oh for fucks sake!

I just wonder....why evry f´n time I start feeling better, I will soon feel worse than I did before just because I felt good! I can´t figure it out. Now I´m so happy I might get work, but at the same time, evry day that goes by nearer the desission, I feel more agony. I also feel agony about school but I NEED TO GET to study! and Failure is what I see in the mirror though I manage to do alot and complete tasks I´ve been worried about. Now i have a fue fears in my life...but how can I ever explain ´em. Short storyline goes : getting fat, being watshed, failure and growing up. Expl:
- Getting fat : I fear i´ll grow bigger, even a fue kg will make me hate myself so much that I would consider total withdraw. This I can´t explain further.

- Being watshed: I feel like someone´s watshing me all the time, and not in a protective way. I just can´t stop thinking that there´s a hidden camera in every room and lately I´ve been suspecting our dog to be an agent, a robot or just to carry a cam. I know it sounds rediculous but theese are my true belives.

- Failure : That what ever I do I´ll fail to be worse than average. Somehow I feel I should be smarter. I fear to belive that I am dumb or stupid, that I can´t use my brains to maximum. So during a tent, I won´t accept a 9/10, it has to be perfect so I can feel that I´ve managed.

- Growing up: makes me sad. Adulds often forget how to see the world the way it is ment to be. Their life is about work and money, relationships and rush. They should remember the beauty of our planet and its nature, how a small thing like grass can develope into a garden, and how a small bird can sing so beautifully that time stops. We have all the time, but we choose how to spend it. I fear that I will forget how to spend my time right. And i just don´t want to be a nobody. Modern human now thinks about fashion as to become an artist or getting rich to be someone. I just want to make myself worth while, and keep seeing trough a childs eyes, yet understanding and make conclutions like a fully developed mind.


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